A concert as a measurement of growth?

Anyone who has taken time to focus on their healing and transformation, knows the gift of having  moments, where you really see the progress made and FEEL the big changes.

I had one such time this past week.

My husband, Matt got me Dave Matthews Band tickets for my birthday. DMB has been my absolute favorite since I was 16 years old. But I was a bit hesitant to go because “in my old age LOL” I felt I have grown sensitive to sound and crowds and thought it might be too much for my nervous system…I hadn’t been to a concert for at least 15 years.  BUT I could NOT pass it down… even despite the 99 degree day!

With having had heir music as such a htuge part of my life, I have A LOT of memories connected to their music, and for a long time I stopped listening to them, and most music for that matter, because I would get triggered every time I listened to them. But I started listening to Dave again a few years ago… and it is now the only band I listen to anymore. It's them, Tori Amos and Reiki/meditation type music (my stepdaughter says..."our house sounds like an ocean" LOL. 

Anyways, one of my big memories of DMB is connected to my ex-husband, Tom, who took his life this past year. He was very talented at guitar and his ability to play, sing and act like Dave was a major attraction to me. I would beg him to play Dave all of the time. At the concert, as soon as they started, all I could see was Tom in Dave, and remembered Tom’s fingers as he played, and I felt a huge rush of emotions welling up in me, but I did not want to let it out because I did not want to upset Matt. But into the second song, Matt asked me why I was crying and asked if it was about Tom; I immediately broke. 

I could not stand, fell into my seat and put my head into my lap as my body shook with emotions and tears flowed…. I wondered if I was going to hyperventilate. I knew that people were probably watching me and that was fine. Because of the work that I have done with meditation and a mindfulness practice,  I KNOW that I am not my emotions and was able to observe it all;  the body processed the emotions and then I observed as they moved through and then passed. It seemed a bit odd… it was like the body was releasing the emotions.. it felt natural, and I just allowed it… I did not judge it in any way. After it subsided I stood up and was able to thoroughly enjoy the rest of the amazing show.

I do not have big emotions like this these days, as I am generally at peace and joyful. BUT I know that this comes from practicing being present and allowing emotions to be, rather than resisting them or getting attached to them.  And at times like this I am amazed as I think back to times when I was not able to do this, and the emotions would consume me until I engaged in one of my previous addictions to avoid them. I am grateful to be sober and healthy now, and do not see my emotions as an enemy.

The other thing that I noticed at the concert was how critical it is that we pay attention to the stories that we tell ourselves, because they shape our experience. I had been telling myself the story that I could not handle big crowds and loud noises. But, clearly this was not true, as I was at the concert and mesmerized by the music; the crowd and noise faded into the background and I was totally unfazed. At no point was I bothered. It made me decide to pay more attention to stories I tell myself and consider whether I want to continue to live with them or let them go… I want to be storyless… .I want to just be me, as I am in Reality.. no story, no judgements, no made up identity. This seems really freeing.

Lastly, I noticed how much healing has been done in my mind, because of the lack of judgement while there. I was not judging anyone; whereas in the past I definitely would have. This time I simply saw a bunch of people, enjoying and expressing themselves in different ways. It brings tears to my eyes as I reflect on and write about this.... it was just beautiful. We were all one…experiencing the music and everyone was unique in their expression.  It felt so good to be there in that place of openness, rather than being in a place of comparison, judgement and on a see-saw of feeling superior/inferior.  

This experience was so much more than a concert. It was truly a blessing, for it was a massive demonstration that the work that I have put into my own healing and transformation has paid off.

If you are just considering facing some of your struggles, don’t put it off and if you are in the process… keep going!! It is SO worth it! Contact me if you are interested in working with me. kelly@kellylewishealing.com.